Personally, you’re one of the coolest foreign guys w/ a Chinese girlfriend that I’ve met — I wish more foreign men in China were as thoughtful (and I mean that both ways) as you.

I agree with you on how Chinese parents push their daughters harder–it does seem like women are supposed to be ‘more’ and ‘better’ anything to get a ’suitable’ mate who may in fact be mediocre at best. I suppose i”d also agree with the subconscious nature of pressure and I’ll be interested to see what you have to say about ‘good’ men so I can provoke your opinion on that one, too, muahaha.

I see it as more of a subconscious process than an issue of men or women putting pressure on themselves and others, which is exactly what makes it so difficult to change. But yeah, I can see where we are getting to the same ideas.

In fact, I totally missed the point you are making, of how seeing girls as easier to raise could excuse “bad” behavior in boys. Actually, something counter-factual to my point seems to be happening at present: Chinese parents seem to be more concerned about raising their daughters well, pushing them a lot (because girls supposedly needed beauty and breeding, accomplished through hard work), whereas they assume that boys will develop according to their innate talent (because that’s what boys do – except they increasingly don’t become tough, manly enough. – And then you get the complaints about men not being romantic enough, nowadays…)

Actually, one of the next things I’m working on is on “good” men.

The nerve it struck with you, something of how you were writing just struck with me… I’m certainly not brushing aside your opinions (or I would have had even worse ways of disregarding it, mwuhaha).
Enjoy the sun!

And I hope you also know that I always respect what you say. I don’t try to challenge you to tell you you’re wrong; I do it because I like debating with you and I think you always have good insights, and I hope you would feel the same.

And it’s not that I have the problem with YOU writing about reproduction, my issue is more with the fact that most of the people with influence over reproductive policy is overwhelmingly male. As you noted, women still face a “glass ceiling.” Pressure to have a boy certainly comes from collective society, and maybe it would be better for me to say that what women need is for people/society to stop telling them how to reproduce, because it’s not fair coming from women either. But as noted, the people with the most societal influence in general are men, so that’s why I wrote that.

I also never said anything about stereotypes or the lack thereof, nor did I ever say there were not differences between men and women. Maybe I come at this from too Western a perspective; maybe I’m not thinking ‘Chinese’ enough about this, but that doesn’t mean my assertion should be wholly dismissed as misunderstanding “how socialization really works.” While women certainly put pressure on themselves, they also get it in various forms from men, which, I believe, in turn makes them put even more pressure on themselves.

Where do I take a grim view of men? I’m suggesting, based on statements I’ve heard from many people, and also on studies which have shown a gap in educational achievement between girls and boys (with boys losing out), that “daughters are usually easier … to raise…”
You notice the “usually easier,” yes?

Maybe I should have added, “… than they currently seem to believe” or words to such effect, but it’s a commentary, not a scientific analysis.

Also, I think we are talking about two different gender problems. Your aim seems to be the general, pervasive, difference in valuation; my point of origin is the problem of the skewed sex ratio.
That being so, of course I would be talking about reproduction. And in that regard, China needs to value daughters more (as in: having daughters).
What is happening in China, currently, is that the women don’t even have to have men tell them about babies, the society is a great example of the symbolic violence exerted by gender-differentiated socialization: both men and women will want to have sons more than daughters because that’s the way they are socialized.

The way you are phrasing that last paragraph, it sounds to me like what you really have a problem with is me, as a man, writing about reproduction. A bit sexist, don’t you think?
I think it’s a matter, considering couples as individual persons, of them to decide. Taking the view towards society, however, to think that “[women] need … for men to stop telling them…” misunderstands how socialization really works.

All in all, you seem to be hunting after a total equality, with nobody in a whole society holding any stereotypes. Sorry, but that’s not how humans work. Even if you are made, not born, a woman (or a man, if I may add), there are and will be differences.

This is a very sexist statement. I’ve heard people say that it’s ‘easier’ to raise girls than boys, and as I’m not a parent, I can’t assert the validity of this statement. However to say that it’s “easier” to raise girls into good adults than it is boys takes a pretty grim view of men. Since when are men more likely to forget about their families? Since when are they less likely to work hard or be good people? Those traits are not gender based.

Also, saying that people need to realize it is “better to have a girl than to have a boy” does NOTHING to solve China’s gender problems. Calling one gender “better” than the other will only lead to more, if different, stigmas. The problem is that people value one gender over another, not that they’re valuing the ‘wrong’ gender.

You say that women “can’t be seen just as producers of the next generation of sons.” So it’s okay if they’re the producers of the next generation of daughters? What women need is to be valued for more than their reproductive systems, and what they really need is for men to stop telling them how many babies to have or not have and what gender those babies should be.

Nevertheless, I fear for those cities in the countryside, where the old prejudices die far too slowly. On the other hand, I suppose dire circumstances — i.e. the prospect of finding no wives — could change minds. Or it could lead to the dangerous trafficking of women.

I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.